Football Jokes

Come on fellas, let's hear your football related jokes to cheer us all up. Most of the ones i tend to receive are City related piss takes (from Rags mates), so i'll throw a few out to get things going.

Q. What's the difference between Man City, Liverpool and Ice Road Truckers?

A. Ice Road Truckers is still on Channel 5 on Thurday nights.
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Carlos Tevez has been told to sit on the front seat of the coach for the semi-final trip to Wembley. He's the only player that knows the way.
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A Liverpool fan & a Man Utd fan were driving & crash head on. Neither are seriously hurt but both cars are written off. In celebration of their luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on. So the Man Utd fan goes to the boot of his car & fetches a 12yr old bottle of Whisky and hands it to the Liverpool fan. "May all Scousers & Mancs live together in peace & harmony" says the Liverpool fan & gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to the Man Utd fan who replies " No thanks, i'll just wait til the police get here you Scouse cunt".

Not a football joke BUT.....

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the Mrs. She was delighted
I then spent £3000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic
I spend £30 on a blow job for me & she goes ballistic!
Fucking women. Never happy are they

The FA have completed their investigation into Wayne Roonry's foul-mouthed celebration at the weekend. Having watched him stare into the camera and shout 'fuck off..... What..... fuck off......' they have concluded the thick scouse cunt was having an arguement with his own reflection.

The 2011 car registrations are out, a famous jockey has bought FA11 OFF, David Jason has obviously bought DE11 BOY, Jordan has bought ME11 ONS. But dont worry their is still a chance for Rooney to get BE11 END

A woman taking golf lessons just started her 1st round but was stung by a bee! She raced to the clubhouse and her tutor asked why she was back so soon. She told him of the sting. 'where did it sting you?' he asked. 'Between the 1st and 2nd hole' she replied. He nodded and said 'Then your feet are too far apart'.

Million,
you should have swapped "you" to Rooney, or did you mean me .

Avatar's a lot better than Homer to fella.

I was just coppying it from the text i got i will ammend it shaken, or maybe not

i needed a decent picture but would'nt have had a clue how if was'nt for Inky, i still think Homer is king though

I saw a fat bird walking down the street with a t shirt that said "I Love Hip Hop" on it, i think she had missed out a C and a S.

Billy : Mum, I've got the biggest cock at nursery school, is that cos I'm a big boy?Mum: No, it cos your 28 and retarded. Now watch before you slabber your spaghetti down your new Yernited top.

I dropped a bag of Malteasers at a Weightwatchers meeting the other night, it was like watching a game of Hungry Hipppos.

The Muslim Council of Great Britain has decided to hold it's 1st gay festival this year. RAM A MAN will start in June.


My wifes kicked me out, she caught me measuring the size of my dick (how petty's that). Anyway, it turns out it just reaches the back of her sisters throat.

Four blokes in a prison cell. An animal shagger, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a gay.the animal fucker says 'if their was a cat in here i'd fuck it till it passed out. The sadist nods and says 'once your done with it i'd torture it to death. The necrophiliac sighs 'once it was dead i'd fuck it till i passed out. The gay bloke sat in the corner very softly says 'meow'.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion i was able to come to terms with it. I converted to Islam and i'm stoning the cheating bitch in the morning.

Q. What have John Terry, Ashley Cole, Vernon Kay, Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch all got in common?

A. They've all got wives and girlfriends that should have tried a bit fucking harder.

Howard Webb's kids have denied their Dad is a secret Man Utd fan."He is totally unbiased," Alex, George, Bobby, Matt and Cristiano said

The England cricket team visited an orphanage in Columbo Sri Lanka
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope who are constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Wangitaranathan Ranatharanam, age 10

A School teacher in liverpool asks the class how many of them support Liverpool. All the kids put up their hands, except Billy. Teacher asks who he supported, "Arsenal" says Billy, the teacher asks why, Billy says "My parents both come from London and they support them so i do too". The teacher says "you dont have to copy your parents, what would you do if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a burgler" Billy replies "i'd support Liverpool like you cunts"

A gay man sits next to a scouser in a bar, he takes a shine to him, so he tries his luck and asks him if he wants a blow job, the scouser jumps up and knocks him spark out. The barman says "what did he say?" the scouser says "Fuck knows......Something about a job"

I dont know why Fulham fans are complaining. I'm sure their statue was cheaper than the 50m Chelsea paid for theirs.

Got a tip for the Grand National tomorrow, V-neck at 40-1, get some cash on it, apparently its a very good jumper.

A royal wedding, 4 days off, the rags losing and Osama Bin Laden being killed. Carlseberg dont do bank holidays but this time they thought..'fuck it we'll do this one'

Ladbrokes have set odds of 13-2 on Man Utd winning the Premier League next season.
For people who don't understand betting, this means that if you bet £20 on Man Utd, you will lose £20.

Q. What's the difference between Elton Johns chin and Fernando Torres' foot.

A. Elton Johns chin has hit more balls!!!

Elton has had more tackles from behind !

Appologies if i offend with any of my jokes, i have a rather wicked and sometimes sick sense of humour, you should see some of the ones i dont put on


23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin. Police believe irish muslims have set off the first ever No More Nails Bomb.

Million, bang them all on mate, i'm sure we are all old enough to take a joke at its value and not be offended.

Pippa Midletons arse is like a JK Rowling book...... You just know Harry's going to be in it.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney 's Eastern Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem. A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on inthe bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to thebathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses) .

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.

The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers . . . And then there are educators.

An Irishman goes to the doctors feeling unwell, the doctor tells him to pull down his pants and bend over. As the doctor begins to pull £20 notes out of his arse the Irishman says 'what is up my arse thats making me feel unwell' the doctor replies 'well so far 1 thousand 900 pounds' the irishman says 'I knew i did'nt feel 2 grand'.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

I kept having my profile on dating website Match.com rejected. The question "What do you like in a woman?", wouldn't accept "My cock" as an answer for some reason.
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Q. Why do men always want to marry a virgin?

A. To avoid critcism.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.
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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and hercontractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
..............................................................................
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"
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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
..............................................................................

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the bloody boat."

What has Pippa Midleton ton and Oama bin laden got in common??

last sunday they both had their back doors kicked in and shot in the face by a bloke in the navy.

After Osama bin ladens death muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who is English. Police believe the death toll could be as high as five!

An Alien couple come down to Earth and go to a swinging party. They swap partners and go to their respective bedrooms, the Alien man takes his clothes off revealing a 1 inch cock, the woman is not impressed. the Alien then twists his right ear and his cock grows to 10 inches, the woman looks impressed, he then twists his left ear and it grows 2 inches in girth, and he gives the woman the best seeing too she has ever had. When she meets up with her husband later she asks him how it was. "Fuckin shit" he says "All she did was kept twisting my ears"

A man goes to his local doctor and says he has a severe rash on his balls, the nurse examine's him and says 'your going to have to stop wanking' 'Why?' he says, 'because i'm trying to examine you'



3 office girls in a lift notice a stain on the wall. The Yorkshire lass says 'that looks like spunk' The Cockney girl sniffs it and says 'it smells like spunk too'. The Scouse girl licks it and says 'Well its nobody in our office'

After Mohamed Al Fayed erected a statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage, Arsenal have followed suit and erected one of Jim Bowen outside the Emirates with 4 trophies by his feet. Everytime someone walks past it, it shouts "look at what you could have won". When Arsene Wenger was asked about the statue he claimed he had'nt seen it!

"doctor I'm really worried because my penis has turned orange,is there anything you can do?" asked the fretful teenager
"well" said the doctor," have you been watching pornographic films?"
"yes" said the sheepish teenager
"well"said the doctor,"have you been playing with yourself while you watch these films?"
"yes,is there anything you can recommend to help?"
said the now tearful teen
"well"said the doctor" next time you put the film on,don't open the bag of cheesy wotsits until after you've finished"

Seve Ballesteros was buried in the same grave as his father, he is now 1 over par.

ooucch!

A Dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son where was you today?"

Son says " At school Dad"

The robot slaps the son.

"Ok i watched a dvd at my mates"

"What dvd"

"Toy Story"

Robot slaps the son again.

"Ok it was a porno" cries the son

"When i was your age i didn't know what porn was" says the Dad

The robot slaps the Dad

Mum laughs "Hahahaha, he's certainly your son"

The robot slaps the Mum.

A fella's on his death bed in hospital.
He slowly turns to his son and says,
"Son, rush out and get a Utd shirt and put it on me before i pass over".
In horror the son replies,
"But dad, you've been a season ticket blue all you're life, why do you say this?"
He quickly retorts,
"Well it's better one of those buggers die than one of us son"

I bought a racing snail the other day. To make it quicker, I tried taking off its shell, but if anything, it's made it more sluggish....


I'll be going now.

"Officer i need you to arrest Fernando Torres, he's useless".

"On what grounds?"

"All of um".
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Fella goes to the doctors amd says "everytime i masterbate, i end up shouting come on Yernited".

"Yes" says the Doc, "most wankers do".
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The wife phoned me and said "You'd better come to the hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live".

"But City are playing Arsenal today" i replied

"Record it and watch it later then" she snapped back.

You should have seen her fuckin face when i turned up at the hospital with a camcorder and tripod.

Both City and Utd have announced victory parades.
City will leave Manchester Town Hall on the 23rd of May and tour the streets of Manchester finishing at The City of Manchester Stadium at 8pm. Utd will have theirs the following week and will be taking the same route as the Royal Wedding.

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Man City are having Peter Swailes' body exhumed this morning, he still has the key to the trophy room in his top pocket.
(from a Rag, but i still had a chuckle)

Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with a Premiership footballer. She's currently in the middle of a UK tour, at the moment she's doing Giggs in Manchester.

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Suzanne Ibru, the woman found guilty of stalking Rio Ferdinand, has been given 10wks in jail, a 10yr restraining order and a £75 Specsavers voucher.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When i quizzed him about it, he said he could stop at any time.



I've just bought this new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs.

The birds love it.

Tommy Cooper died on Stage doing what he did best. Steve Irwin died in the Ocean doing whathe did best. Aerton Senna died on the Race track doing what he did best........ dont have a wank tonight, your freinds will worry

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A woman ran into a police station shouting 'Grape' 'Grape' 'Grape'. The policeman said "dont you mean rape" "No" She replied "Their was a Bunch of them"

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What do Women and clouds have in common?

Occasionally they Fuck Off and its a really nice day....

SORRY Wensdi, i'm a chauvenist sometimes

Apple have announced the development of a micro chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music...

The I-TIT will cost £399 and is seen as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them.

After having had a few golf lessons, a woman embarked on her 1st round. On the fairway she was stung by a bee and had to return to the clubhouse for help.
"Why are you back so early?" ask her golf teacher.
She told him of the bee incident that had just taken place.
"Where exactly did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the 1st and 2nd holes", she replied.
He shook he head and said "your feet were obviously too far apart then".

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My Mrs brought home a tub of Ice Cream and asked if i wanted some.
"How hard is it?" i asked.
She cheekily replied "As hard as your cock, when you think of me naked".
She seemed to get upset when i said, "Go on then, pour me a glass".

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My daughter got sent home from school today for swearing.
"What did you say?" i asked her.
"The 'C' word", she said sheepishly.
I looked at her very disappointedly and said "it's not clever is it".
"No dad" she siad, "it was 'cunt' ".