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Football Jokes

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Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:55 am

First topic message reminder :

Come on fellas, let's hear your football related jokes to cheer us all up. Most of the ones i tend to receive are City related piss takes (from Rags mates), so i'll throw a few out to get things going.

Q. What's the difference between Man City, Liverpool and Ice Road Truckers?

A. Ice Road Truckers is still on Channel 5 on Thurday nights.
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Carlos Tevez has been told to sit on the front seat of the coach for the semi-final trip to Wembley. He's the only player that knows the way.
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A Liverpool fan & a Man Utd fan were driving & crash head on. Neither are seriously hurt but both cars are written off. In celebration of their luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on. So the Man Utd fan goes to the boot of his car & fetches a 12yr old bottle of Whisky and hands it to the Liverpool fan. "May all Scousers & Mancs live together in peace & harmony" says the Liverpool fan & gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to the Man Utd fan who replies " No thanks, i'll just wait til the police get here you Scouse cunt".
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Sat Aug 13, 2011 4:30 pm

Laughing that is a good one.

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by Moonchester on Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:01 pm

ROFLMAO....
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Wed Aug 24, 2011 2:45 pm

Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of the shark attack victim Ian Redmond this morning. It was identified by his recent tattoo "Man City 2011/12 League champions". In a statement Police said, "not even a shark would swallow that".

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Doctors in the Seychelles have said that the shark attack victim didn't suffer too much, as he'd only been married a week.

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There's a new alcholic vigina gel that women can rub onto their flaps, so that when men go down on them they can have a drink at the same time. Sadly, the government is trying to ban it, as they fear it may cause widespread minge drinking.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Fri Sep 02, 2011 4:24 pm

"What do we want"

"A cure for Tourettes"

"When do we want it"

"Cunts"
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BoyWithTheArabsCash

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Location : Giggidy.

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Sat Sep 03, 2011 2:32 pm

A bloke goes in to a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he says "Don't forget to put a tomahawk in his hand", "Give us a chance" says the tattooist "I've only just finished his turban".
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:24 pm

I found the girlfriend dead the other day, i got hame from work and she was lay there lifeless. I decided i should fuck her one more time, i was getting into position and all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted 'BOO!'. Some people are just sick inthe head!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Mon Sep 12, 2011 2:20 pm

Whilst lay in bed, a bloke said to his wife "When i look in to your eyes, i think of the lottery"

"Why" she said "because i'm worth millions to you"

"No, i just wish that you'd rollover"





Chavvy mum in the supermarket loses her kid and the kid starts crying, so the security guard goes over.

"Have you lost your Mum" says the guard

"Yes" said the kid

"What's she like" said the guard

"Big cocks and vodka" said the kid.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by Paulpowersleftfoot on Tue Sep 13, 2011 8:55 am

A beat bobby is doing the rounds late at night when he sees 2 blokes shagging down an alleyway.As a churchgoer he's horrified and shouts for them to stop it,they run off,one goes past him and the other goes into the alley and he gives chase.The alleyway is long and dark and
he loses him.Not one to be defeated easily he pulls out the truncheon and starts banging it into the piles of rubbish
to see if hes hiding."if I find you filthy bastard im going to ram this truncheon right up your arse"





"I'm in the bin "


Last edited by Paulpowersleftfoot on Tue Sep 13, 2011 8:57 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Illiteracy)
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by johnsavitta on Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:02 pm

I was going to a fancy dress ball and thought i'd go as a vampire. I walked into a fancy dress hire shop and the woman handed me a united shirt. I said no, i want to go as a count
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:49 pm

I'm in A&E after swallowing some lego, the doctor is'nt worried but i'm shitting bricks.

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I met a dutchman yesterday with sat nav built into his shoes, fuckin clever clogs.

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My girlfriend came downstairs after having a bath, gave me a wink and said "I shaved my pussy in the bath, you know what that means dont you?" "yeah" i said "The plug hole is blocked"

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The wife bought me a lovely new Rolex for my birthday, "do you like it?" she asked. "Its great" i said "It will remind me of your pussy". She laughed "is that because its exclusive and Sexy?" "Nah" i said "Its a bit loose round my wrist".
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Sun Sep 18, 2011 5:44 pm

Just as the porn film finished downloading a message appears in the corner of the screen. 'battery low: 5 mins remaining". "GAME ON"
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Mon Sep 19, 2011 8:02 pm

Fat bird stands up on a table in a bar and shouts "If any guys guesses my weight, you can shag me". A lad in the corner shouts back, "About 93 stone ya fat ugly cow". "That's close enough for me ya lucky bastard" she replies.

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My Mrs and i walked past a swanky new resturant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice guy that i am i thought fuck it i'll treat her.........so we walked past it again.

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Some people say that nothing lasts forever........well try having a wank over Susan Boyle.

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I've heard alot of bad things said about paedophiles, but atleast they drive slowly past schools. (sorry)

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At 1st when my wife left i was upset and lonely, since then i've bought a dog, had 2 different women and blew a grand on drink and coke. She'll go fuckin mental when she gets home from work.

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Why do women have foreheads?......So you have somewhere to kiss when you've cum in their mouth.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:06 pm

Rumours are spreading they are making a new Mr Men book for Fernando Torres. Its called Mr Sitter.

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So If Rooney is the 'white Pele', does that make Torres the 'white Heskey?'.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:41 pm

Q. What have Carlos Cuntybollocks and a tramp got in common?

A. You can't get either of them off a bench.

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**Breaking News**Carlos Tevez is to open his own sandwhich chain, SubNoWay!

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A wee Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the 1st time. He says "This is Amanda". Hid dad jumps up....."It's a fuckin what?"

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2 men out drinking, 1 says to the other "i can never sneak into my house after i've been out without waking the wife up and face a right nagging, no matter how quiet i try to be". "Do what i do" says his mate. "Slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, jump into bed slap her on the arse and say "how about a blowjob love"", bet she's fucking still sleeping then.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by TMG on Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:55 pm

I think it's so inspiring to see someone who was badly burnt as a child, suffers from dwarfism and downs syndrome can still reach the pinnacle of their chosen sport.

Congratulations Carlos !

I've just bought myself a Carlos Tevez face mask. I say face mask, it's actually an iron on transfer
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Tue Oct 04, 2011 5:53 pm

If Tevez didn't want to play in Europe, why thr fuck didn't he just join Liverpool.

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Amanda Knox and Jack Rodwell both got their decisions overturned. One wasted 4yrs of their life trapped and unable to further their career, while the other ones been stuck in prison in Italy.

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Irish authorities have uncovered a mass grave of dead snowmen. Further test have revealed it was actually a field of carrots.

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I treated the wife to one of those "fish pedicures" the other day and i must say i was pleased with the results. Those Piranahs don't fuck about.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Wed Oct 05, 2011 12:14 pm

REMEMBER : If you are in bed with a blind girl and she says "I have never had my hands on a cock as big as yours". She's probably pulling your leg.

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Best chat up line ever : I hope you have pet insurance.......because i'm about to destroy your pussy.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:00 pm

Sky sports have just announced they will be putting the Premier league matches of certain teams on other channels to boost viewing figures. City will be on the shopping channel, Chelsea on Russia Today, Liverpool on the History channel, Arsenal on Comedy Central, Spuds on E! and Manure on the Ocean Finance channel.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:28 pm

Just seen Kevin Webster has been arrested, he was apparently caught in his garage working on a 14 year old Escort.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:48 pm

4 mates plan the perfect camping trip. Two days before they go, Paddys wife tells him he's not going. His mates are disappointed but decide to go without him anyway. A couple of days later the mates arrive at the site to find Paddy sitting there with a tent set up and the BBQ going. One says "Paddy how did you persuade your wife to let you come?" Paddy says "Well, last night i was sitting in my chair, when she came upto me in a see-through nightie, stockings and crotchless panties and led me upstairs. She handcuffed herself to the bed then said "Do whatever you want", "so here i am"

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My budgie broke his leg today so i made him a splint out of a couple of matches. You should have seen his little face light up when he started to walk.

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Paddy was stood at the bar last night for over an hour trying to work out why he only had 3 brothers, yet his sister had 4.

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"Do you think we should take our relationship to the next stage?" i asked my girlfriend last night. "Oh yes" she giggled, "just let me go upstairs and freshen up, then you can tell me what you have in mind". "Ok" i replied "just make sure you give that arse of yours a good wipe".
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:07 pm

Wayne Rooney's just been interviewed on SSN. He looked a bit down as he said he was "absolutely gutted" at being sent off after 32 minutes of Englands qualifying game tonight......

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My Mrs says i'm immature and we should set aside a day so we can talk like adults. Like that's going to happen in the middle of conker season.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:46 pm

Paul McCartney has already had a big bust up with his new wife, apparently he is unhappy that she has already spent twice as much on shoes than his last wife.
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BoyWithTheArabsCash

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Fri Oct 14, 2011 9:47 am

Why did Kevin Webster shave his tache off?

Because he likes licking lips with no hair around them.



My girlfriend said she wanted me to start treating her like a princess.....apparently going for a drive whilst pissed and crashing the car in a tunnel wasn't what she meant.



I'm going to a deoderent party at the weekend.......roll on Saturday.



Someone asked me what i know about dwarfs, i said very little.
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BoyWithTheArabsCash

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Mon Oct 17, 2011 8:11 am

At Michael Jacksons trial: Dr Conrad Murray has told the court abot Michael Jacksons dramatic weight loss, "Michael had got so thin that although his pyjama tops were still adult size, he could still squeeze himself into childrens bottoms.

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I had a friend at school whos mum was Icelandic and dad was Cuban...we called him Icecube.

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10yrs ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash, now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash!

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I bought the wife a memory stick, it works a treat. She hasn't forgotten my dinner, beer or sex once since the 1st beating.

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Kate Middleton asked the Queen what the secret to a long and successful marriage was. She replied "Don't piss me off or drive through tunnels".
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Oct 17, 2011 2:09 pm

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back! She throws a used tampon in his face and says "there you go you misserable cunt, i'll pay you back monthly". The moral of this story is : Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, their will always be a string attached.

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My bird came up to me the other night and said she wanted something 10 inches long and full of spunk. "No problem" i said and gave her a sock from under my bed.

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I went to my doctors last week and he told me i needed a pacemaker. So now i have this annoying little Kenyan fucker 2 yards in front of me all day.

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A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indegestion. The nutritionist says "its simple, you are what you eat" the lesbian turns to her and says "are you calling me a cunt?"
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:23 am

Whilst clearing Dale Farm, police marksmen opened fire 3 times, they won a goldfish, a teddybear and an inflatable hammer.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Sun Oct 23, 2011 7:23 pm

Q. What have Man Utd and Ghadaffi got in common?

A. They've both just been murdered by the locals!

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Man Utd have just opened a phone line for any suicidal fans.....it's 0161 61 61 61.

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If a long condom goes on a long cock and a short condom goes on a short cock. What goes on a thick cock?...............a Man Utd shirt.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Sun Oct 23, 2011 8:16 pm

Ive just seen some City fans going round Old Trafford turning the '19' banners upside down.

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Whats the Difference between a black cab and Manchester United?

A black cab only lets 5 in!!

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With Manchester United fans moaning about the rotation policy, a club spokesman has announced the manager will do everything in his power to make sure Howard Webb is'nt rested again this season.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by blisteringblue on Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:09 pm

Greater Manchester police are in search of 11 men wearing blue shirts in connection to the vicious beating which occurred in Old Trafford this afternoon

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Manchester United have announced they have sacked all their security guards and hired all City players instead because of their ability to clear the ground quickly.

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A policeman caught a fan climbing the wall of the Manchester united ground. He made him go back and watch the rest of the match.

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I reckon fergie's going to regret resting howard webb for such a big game..
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:37 am

A little boy says to his dad, "Dad does father ted off the telly shag little boys up the arse and plant bombs for the IRA and kill innocent people?" No Son" says his dad "he's not a real priest"

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Since Westlife have announced their split, Louis Walsh says his heart's all over the place, but says his penis is still going in One Direction.

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I asked my bird for oral relief last night, she asked "do you want a blow job?" I said "no, just shut the fuck up"

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Paddy is sitting on a train across from a blonde in a mini skirt, he soon realises that she is going commando. She spots him and asks "are you looking at my fanny?" "yes, i'm sorry" says paddy, "thats ok, its very talented" she says "watch, i'll make it blow you a kiss and then wink at you". He stares in amazement as the fanny blows him a kiss then winks at him. "Come and sit next to me" she says "would you like to put 2 fingers in it?" "Fucking hell" he says "can it whistle aswell?"

------------------------------

A german dwarf came to london and went to a prostitute, she thought to herself he will never manage this its easy money. Just before they were getting down to it he put a spring on each elbow and knee, and shagged her non stop for 4 hours. "how did you manage that?" she said breathlessly. "thats easy" he says "thats my foursprung dwarftechnique"
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:45 am

BREAKING NEWS : John Terry has flatly denied racially abussing Anton Ferdinand. However he has not ruled out shagging his missus.

--------------------------------------------

Stephen Hawking has just had his first date for 10 years, when he returned homw he had a broken wrist, two teisted ankles and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up!

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There are reports Alex Ferguson left the stadium before the final whistle in the manchester derby. Apparently he had to be back in the home before 7.

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I found my first grey pubic hair today, something like this would'nt normally bother me, but i was really enjoying that sausage roll.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:48 am

You're on a roll this morning Si Laughing .
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:55 pm

had a few days worth built up Den, glad your enjoying em mate Very Happy
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Sat Oct 29, 2011 11:48 pm

Whats 6 inches long and wont be getting sucked tonight?

Jimmy Savilles cigar!

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My wife told me "Your a shit lover". "Oh yeah" i said "I dont hear you moaning when we have sex"

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I was driving past a field today when i saw a scarecrow tring to have a wank!! I thought to myself 'that poor bastards just clutching at straws'

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I phoned the missus today for a bit of phone sex, when she answered i said "tell me your not wearing any knickers" She replied "I'm actually not wearing any knickers" I replied "Oh yeah baby, tell me what your doing you dirty bitch" she said "I'm havin a shit!!"
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:42 pm

I never liked Jimmy Saville. 35yrs ago i wrote to him saying "Dear Jim, please could you fix it for my beloved Manchester City to be top of the League". He curtly replied "over my dead body".

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For weeks i've been waiting for a celebrity to die, so i could post a joke about it. Jim's fixed it for me.

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I bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween, nothing sexual, it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick.

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What does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex...........it means you're in the wrong fuckin house!

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Just got a job at the Samaritans and i'm loving it. My first call was Abdul, he rang me saying he was on a train track feeling suicidal. I advised him to keep calm and stay on the line!
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:27 am

I'm thinking of getting my boss a new watch for christmas. Every day he asks me the same question. "What time do you call this?"

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"YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING!" "WHO ARE YA, WHO ARE YA!" I cant help but think dad is a bit insensitive about Nan's dementia.

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Jimmy Saville died of a laughing fit after getting a letter from Kenny 60 from liverpool, he asked if he could fix it for him to win the league.

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I approached a fat chick in a club last night. "you've got the sexiest blue eyes i have ever seen" i told her. "Really" she giggled. "Yeah" i replied "What a waste!"

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An irish man and his son went to the zoo, a sign says 'feed the elephant a bun to get your age'. The litle boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps his foot 6 times "WOW" says the boy "I am 6 years old, you have a go dad" He gives the elephant a bun....moments later the elephant farts and stamps twice "thants right" he says amazed "Iam farty two"

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I shagged my mates bird last night and now i feel awful! She must have had the flu or sommat.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:22 am

The thai floods are getting worse, a woman intrviewed on sky news as she emerged from the flood said the water was up to her bollocks!

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I was about to get down to it last night when my new girlfriend burst in the bedroom........... I'm taking her back to ann summers tommorow for a refund!

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They say a womans fanny is like a shed roof...........If you dont nail it hard enough it'll probably end up next door.

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Abdul the indian wifebeater punches his wife every night at 7.30.......on the dot!

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My wife was great in the sack last night.

She sunk straight to the bottom of the river.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Nov 14, 2011 6:59 pm

A recent survey found that one in three women are just as fucking stupis as the other two.

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This morning on the way to work i drove into the back of a car while not paying attention. A dwarf jumped out of passenger seat and shouted accross at me "I'm not happy". I replied "Which one are you then?"

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I cant stand people who think they are worse off than everyone else. My mate derek is brilliant, he lost both his legs in a car crash, and his voice box was crushed. Does he make a song and dance about it?.....Does he fuck!

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So 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems?

Looking at 40% of women over 40 its not difficult to see why.

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I was chatting to a bird in a club, she whispered in my ear "do you want to come back to my place? Ive got a fanny the size of a polo" Get in i thought. "Suprised?" she said as i whipped down her knickers, "yes" i said "I thought you meant the mint, not the car.

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My dad woke up this morning with a puzzled look on his face. The daft bastard fell asleep on his jigsaw.

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I got a guard dog to protect my house, its useless, it lets every fucker in. Turns out its a UK Border Collie

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Sue's friend, Carrol, was complaining about having a sore throat. Sue tells her every time she has a sore throat she gives her husband a blowjob and swallows his semen and it eases the pain. The next day Sue asks Carrol "how did it go then mate?" Carrol says "Brilliant. In fact your husband could'nt believe it was your idea".
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Wed Nov 16, 2011 9:36 am

I walked into my local porn shop this afternoon and said "3 of you filthiest mags please mate". "Have you got anything in mind?" he replied. "Yes", i said "i'm going to have a wank".

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I took this bird out for a meal last night and she ordered the dearest thing on the menu. I thought you money grabbing bitch and said "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" "No", she replied "but my mother's not expecting a blowjob later". "Good point" i said "enjoy your meal".

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Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are small, weak and sensitive. If you want to get tough grow a fanny, those things can really take a pounding.

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Took my son out for his 1st pint. Bought him a Fosters, but he didn't like it so i had it. Then i bought him a Carlsberg....he didn't like that either. The same happened with Carling, Guiness and Cider, by the time i'd got to the JD i could hardly push his pram.

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Weird science fact: The heavier the women, the easier they are to pick up.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by Topdawg on Wed Nov 16, 2011 9:57 am

you know your girlfriend is fat when you can't hear the stereo when she is sat on your face
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by BoyWithTheArabsCash on Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:40 am

Police are said to be treating Joe Fraziers death as suspicious, they are currently grilling George Foreman.

The Mrs asked me to get our ginger haired son ready for his first day at school, so i punched him in the face and nicked his dinner money.

Statisically, 1 in 20 people live next door to a paedophile, not me, i live next door to a gorgeous 14 year old blonde bird with big tits.

Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the gravestone of the worlds oldest man. He was 193 and called Miles and from Dublin.

Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star? He had an arm like a babies dick.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Fri Nov 18, 2011 3:59 pm

Carlos Tevez has finally been tracked down by Manchester City officials, he was found in the jungle going by the name of Fatima!
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Just to let you know, i am in hospital for 2 weeks. Yesterday i went to see a fortune teller, she told me that money was coming my way, leaving excited with a big grin on my face i wasn't looking where i was going and was hit by a securicor van!
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Good News for insomniacs...............only 2 more sleeps till christmas....
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:38 pm

How does a welshman find a sheep in long grass?
Fucking irresistable!
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I was in the pub the other night when a girl sneezed and her glass eye flew out, i caught it and took it back to her and we got chatting, after a few beers and some flirting i took her home and shagged her all night. The next morning i asked her if she has many one night stands, "no" she said "only those that catch my eye"
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If reincarnation existed , most men would come back as a spider, then they could finally hear a woman say "Oh my god, Its fucking huge"
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a dyslexic boy says to his mum "can we have a mcdonalds today?"
she says "If you can spell mcdonalds for me you can have one"
after some consideration the boy replied "Fuck it, i'll have a KFC instead.
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They have set a tough task for tonights bush tucker trial......A kangaroo has to eat one of Fatima Whitbreds teticles.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:53 am

I had to phone the police today, and their taking me to court for wasting their time. I had 2 girls fighting over me and they didn't consider it an emergency, I had to try something the fat one was winning.
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I took the mrs to the doctors coz she had a golfball stuck up her arse, he said "fuck me, thats up a fairway"
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:23 pm

Some twat wrong "MONG" all over my windows last night. It's gonna take me ages to lick it off.

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Roberto Mancini has replaced Carlos Tevez with Simon Weston, They look the same but Weston's more experience at getting warmed up.

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Car salesman saw 2 old ladies sitting in a used car and asked if they'd like to buy it. "We have bought it" they replied. "Well, why don't you drive it away then?" said the salesman. "We were told, if we bought a car from here we'd get screwed, so were just waiting".

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The wife came home early from work today and found me in bed with Fatima Whitbread. "It's not what you think love" i said. She shouted back "What the fuck is it then?" I said, "It's a woman".

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Paddy's on Who wants to be a millionaire when Tarrant say "For £200 Paddy, which of the following was involved in the great train robbery? (A) Ronnie Corbett (B) Ronnie Barker (C) Ronnie osullivan or (D) Ronnie Biggs?". "Well" say Paddy "i might be a tad thick but one things for sure, i'm not a grass, i'll take the £100 and bid you good day thanks Chris".

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Paddy told his wife he was getting a burning sensation in his arse and didn't know what it was. "Ring Sting" she said. "How the fuck will he know?" Paddy replied.

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I was sat on the edge of the bed last night pulling off my boxers, when the wife said to me "Please don't do that to the dogs........".
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Tue Dec 13, 2011 3:34 pm

Mambo No.5.....
A little bit of chico's broken toes,
A little bit of Fergies whiskey nose,
A little bit of evra crying race,
A little bit of giggsys ugly face,
A little bit of vidic seeing red,
A little bit of rooneys baldy head,
A little bit of nani takes a dive.
And you can see it all on channel 5!
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The missus asked me last night "Why dont we make love like they do in films?" So I bent her over, fucked her up the arse, spunked all over face and wiped my dick clean on her tits..... Turns out we dont watch the same films!
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I have just found out my brother Jim has alzheimers, i hope it doesn't run in the family coz my brother Jim has it aswell!
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I felt sorry for thee hypnotist at our works xmas do. He hypnotised 7 lads then triped over the microphone and yelled 'fuck me'. What happened next will haunt me forever!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:11 am

Just letting you all know, i'm still in the police cells. I got stopped by the police last night as part of their "drink driving campaign". The policewoman asked "how many drinks have you had in the last 24hrs?" Turns out "not enough to shag you" wasn't the right answer.

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What have Slur Alex and Sybil Fawlty got in common?

They both got fucked by Basel.

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A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts "ey up cock, tha dun wanna be drinkin watta from theer, thows full o hos piss n cow shite". The bloke says "i from Pakistan, you speak bit slower please". "No problem" the farmer replies, "If--you--use--both--hands--you--wont--spill--any".

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The new Man City fragrance is out in time for Xmas......Channel No5.

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Started my new job as a bus driver today but it didn't go too well. This stunning blonde with huge tits got on and said "Are you going to Oldham?" She didn't need to ask twice......Ah well, back to the job centre tomorrow.

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I kept telling my new girlfriend not to turn her head away at the end of a blowjob. Did she listen, did she fuck. It went in one ear and out the other.

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I was in the supermarket the other day with the Mrs when she said "you really are a lazy git". I was so shocked i nearlly fell out of the trolley.

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The village idiot and a gorgeous woman are getting frisky on the couch when she whispers, "let's take this upstairs". "Ok" he says, "you grab that end and i'll grab this end".

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Injury and accident insurance claim adverts are a load of bollocks aren't they. When next doors 17yr old daughter cut herself on my fence, they told me to take some pictures of her gash. Guess who's in court tomorrow????
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:56 am

The lead actor in Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night, to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
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A catholic boy in confession says "bless me father for i have sinned....i had a wank last night while thinking about my sister". "Thats a disgrace" says the priest "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers"
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A man walks into WHSmith and asks for the new self help book for men with really small dicks. The girl says "I dont think its in yet". He replies "Yeah thats the one"
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Christmas is coming soon, to be honest it will be the same as every other day.....sitting at the table with a fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore
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I'm leaving out potatoes and vodka for santa this year, you can bet your life someone polish has taken his job!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Wed Dec 21, 2011 1:02 pm

Rudolph the red-cocked reindeer, had a very shiney knob,

And if you ever saw him, he would stick it in your gob.

All of the other reindeer, used to wank and call him names,

they never let poor Rudolph, join in any sexual games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, santa came to say,

Rudolph with your knob so bright, won't you do my arse tonight.

Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee,

Rudolph the red-cocked reindeer, you should do pornography.

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Done my chores for the day, just filled the dishwsher........or "make love" as she likes to call it.

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I was getting ready for work this morning and i looked at the Mrs asleep in bed. It made me think of Chrismas, she looked like a pig in a blanket.

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I was having a shit in the train toilet earlier, when the inspector knock on the door asking to see my ticket. "Not right now mate, i'm having a shit", i told him. "I don't believe you" he said "pass it under the door". "No problem" I replied "the yellow bits are sweetcorn".

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Zookeeper gets raped by an elephant and is rushed straight to the hospital for treatment. The Dr examines him and asks why his arse is 10" wide, when an elephants penis is only 4" wide. "The dirty bastard figered me first" he replied.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Fri Dec 23, 2011 12:05 pm

"Dad what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" a young lad asks. "Look at this" says the dad as he lifts the covers on his naked sleeping mother. "that's a pussy son". "Its wonderful dad, can i touch it?" "NO Son" says dad "If you touch the pussy you wake the cunt"
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David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night, he found one such girl in the pub. He said to her "I'm the prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied "Mr prime minister, If you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me as hard as you have the pensioners, then it wont cost you a fucking penny"
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:23 pm

New Premier League directive: Any Liverpool player passing to Andy Carroll will be immediately booked for time-wasting.

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For years men and women have argued which hurts the most, a kick in the bollocks or giving birth. So how can we reach a verdict? Well, let's put it this way: About a year or so after having their 1st child how many women are often heard saying "let's have another baby?" I therefore challenge any women to find any man who wants another kick in the bollocks anytime after the 1st experience.

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After landing myself in jail....i spent the 1st 4hrs getting rigourously bummed. I get the feeling my Uncle takes Manopoly far too seriously.

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I met my new girlfriends parents for the 1st time last night. Her Dad took me to one side and said "If you ever hurt my daughter, you'll have me to answer to me". "That's highly unlikely" i replied, "I've only got a small cock and she has an arsehole the size of an elephants yawn!"

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We were so poor in our house when we were young, that if you didn't wake up with a hard on you had nothing to play with.

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I was so drunk last night when i got to the bottom of the stairs i took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when i reached the top that i realised i was on the bus.

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I've got a trial at Man Utd soon to see if i'm good enough for Sir Alex. It's the biggest day in any young referees career.

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Tried erotic asphyxiation on the Mrs last week when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 3 days now giving me the silent treatment.
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