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Football Jokes

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Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:55 am

First topic message reminder :

Come on fellas, let's hear your football related jokes to cheer us all up. Most of the ones i tend to receive are City related piss takes (from Rags mates), so i'll throw a few out to get things going.

Q. What's the difference between Man City, Liverpool and Ice Road Truckers?

A. Ice Road Truckers is still on Channel 5 on Thurday nights.
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Carlos Tevez has been told to sit on the front seat of the coach for the semi-final trip to Wembley. He's the only player that knows the way.
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A Liverpool fan & a Man Utd fan were driving & crash head on. Neither are seriously hurt but both cars are written off. In celebration of their luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on. So the Man Utd fan goes to the boot of his car & fetches a 12yr old bottle of Whisky and hands it to the Liverpool fan. "May all Scousers & Mancs live together in peace & harmony" says the Liverpool fan & gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to the Man Utd fan who replies " No thanks, i'll just wait til the police get here you Scouse cunt".
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:23 pm

New Premier League directive: Any Liverpool player passing to Andy Carroll will be immediately booked for time-wasting.

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For years men and women have argued which hurts the most, a kick in the bollocks or giving birth. So how can we reach a verdict? Well, let's put it this way: About a year or so after having their 1st child how many women are often heard saying "let's have another baby?" I therefore challenge any women to find any man who wants another kick in the bollocks anytime after the 1st experience.

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After landing myself in jail....i spent the 1st 4hrs getting rigourously bummed. I get the feeling my Uncle takes Manopoly far too seriously.

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I met my new girlfriends parents for the 1st time last night. Her Dad took me to one side and said "If you ever hurt my daughter, you'll have me to answer to me". "That's highly unlikely" i replied, "I've only got a small cock and she has an arsehole the size of an elephants yawn!"

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We were so poor in our house when we were young, that if you didn't wake up with a hard on you had nothing to play with.

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I was so drunk last night when i got to the bottom of the stairs i took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when i reached the top that i realised i was on the bus.

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I've got a trial at Man Utd soon to see if i'm good enough for Sir Alex. It's the biggest day in any young referees career.

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Tried erotic asphyxiation on the Mrs last week when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 3 days now giving me the silent treatment.

shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Fri Jan 06, 2012 4:07 pm

So Natasha Giggs entered Celebrity Big Brother last night, that will make a nice change. Normally its a Big Brother entering her!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:58 am

French breast implant company PIP are going to remove thousands of useles tits. I have given them Chris Foy's address and hope they act quickly.
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My girlfriend said that if i turned the lamp out she'd take it up the arse, in hindsight, i should have let the bulb cool down first.
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Sky Sports News Breaking News : LFC have decided to change the name of their ground, but reports it will be Klu Klux Klanfield have yet to be confirmed.
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Poor Bob Holness, he was only at the pearly gates 2 minutes when Amy Whinehouse stumbled over and said "Can i have an E please Bob"
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I met a girlt with a plasticine fanny yesterday......I havn't fucked her yet, but i think i made an impression.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:16 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompson's jacket.
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Arsenal brought back Henry, Rags brought back Scholes, Everton brought back Donovan and liverpool brought back racism.
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:05 am

I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Duties include : Removing ladies knickers, preparing fanny for waxing and rubbing in oil after waxed. When i asked at the job centre they said i had to go to Cornwall. "Why" i asked "is that where the job is?" "No" she told me "that's where the back of the queue is"
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My mate was doing a crossword earlier and asked me if i knew the technical term for 'swollen vagina'

I thought 'Thick twat'
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I bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod, the wife got me an iPhone, and i got her an iRon. She wan't overjoyed, even when i explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. She said iRight and activated the iNag software. It totally wiped out the iShag function and now iWank!!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:48 am

I met a girl last night who cleans her minge with floof detergent.

Flash Cunt!
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Just watching the coverage of the stricken liner on the news, the reporter said "She is lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I glanced over at the missus lying on the settee and its all kicked off. Touchy or what!
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Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming gigs on cruise liners. Apparently 'Dancing on the Ceiling" doesn't have the same appeal anymore!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Tue Jan 17, 2012 12:16 pm

That avatar your Mrs Si?

---------------------------------

Teacher says "Billy, if you have 5 sweets and Mahammed and Imran asked for 1 each, how many would you have left? "That's easy" Billy replies "5".

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A binman knocks on a chineses take-aways door and says "where's ya bin?". "I been on loo" replies the chinaman. "No" says the binman "where's ya dustbin?". "I dust din on the loo" he says back. "No, no mate, where's ya wheelie bin?" "Ho kay, i wheelie bin havin a wank".

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I shagged an ugly chineese bird in a lift yesterday. I know...i know, i was fuckin Wong on so many levels.

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Shagged a girl with a stutter the night before. I was lucky......just managed to finish before she said no.
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shakencity

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Location : Bury

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Tue Jan 17, 2012 12:59 pm

I wish it was Den bounce it's the fantastic 'Movie' star, Marie McCray.
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Jan 23, 2012 12:01 pm

A piece of black tarmac walks in to a bar and shouts "I'm the hardest bastard in here" the barman says "calm down mate, of course you are , your a piece of tarmac". Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says "I'll fight any fucker in here, who wants a beating?" The black tarmac stays silent, the barman asks him "Why didn't you say anything? i thought you wanted a fight?". The black tarmac replies "I'm not messing with that fucker, he's a Cyclepath".
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A Wigan man takes his daughter to the doctors after she complaind of morning sickness. The doctor asks "Is she sexually active?" "IS SHE FUCK" says her dad "She just lies there like her mother"
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Mr Whippy the ice-cream man was found dead this morning with a flake up his arse, sprinkles on his cock and strawberry sauce on his bollocks.

The police suspect he topped himself!!
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I called my boss today saying i wont be in work as i have vaginal issues. He said "for fucks sake your a man" "I know2 i replied "But your a cunt"
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Sun Jan 29, 2012 11:31 am

Luis suarez birthday party was cancelled last night. They were playing pin the tail on the donkey and Andy Carrol nearly bled to death.
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Anton Ferdinand has received a bullet through the post, however he said he wasn't concerned as the gun was sent to fernando torres.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Thu Feb 02, 2012 9:18 am

A bloke on a tractor's just driven past shouting "The end of the world is nigh". I think it was farmer Geddon.

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I met a girl last night that cleans her Vagina with floor detergent.......i thought flash cunt.

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Guy hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40yrs. The hitman says "It'll take 1 shot just below her left tit to kill her" Hubby replies "I want her dead, not knee-capping".

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My Mrs has just left me because of my addiction to paint sniffing........needless to say i'm overcome with emulsion.

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3 Irishmen in a bar, Murphy says "My local's better than this, in there you buy 2 drinks and get a 3rd free". Mick retorts, "Well in my local, you buy 1 drink and get the 2nd free". Paddy says "That's fuck all, in my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th free, after that you get taken behind the pub and get a shag. "WOW" reply his mates, "has that really happened to you Paddy?" "No" replies Paddy "but it's happened to my sister last week".
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shakencity

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Location : Bury

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Thu Feb 02, 2012 4:19 pm

I just got knocked down by a lorry salting the roads. I got up and shouted "FUCK YOU" through gritted teeth!
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I see the Egyptians have totally misunderstood the term 'injury time'.
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:45 pm

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blanket/sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf, hat and gloves, 24hr supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch with spare batteries, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, jump leads and 1st aid kit.......i looked a right twat when i got on the bus this morning!

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My wife was in the bathroom for ages getting ready last night. Finally the door swung open and she said "Honestly, do i look fat in this?" I replied "Yes love, but to be fair it's only a small bathroom". We never went out!!!!

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My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he'd be coming into some money soon. Last night he shagged a girl called Penny....how spooky's that.

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Got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "a meal for 2 with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce number 69.
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shakencity

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Location : Bury

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Wed Feb 08, 2012 1:30 pm

Husband and his wife are sitting in a pub, when his wife starts staring at a drunken man who's sat all alone in the corner cradling his pint.
"Do you know him?" enquires the husband.
"yes" replies the wife, "he's my old boyfriend. I was told he started drinking right after we split up 10yrs ago and hasn't been sober since".
"Crikey" says the husband "who'd have thought a fella could go on celebrating that f**king long".

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As i walked past a beggar this morning he said "Any change mate?" "No" i told him, "i've still got a big house and new car".
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shakencity

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Location : Bury

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by blueboy on Fri Feb 10, 2012 5:05 pm

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are coming towards the end of their SAS selection course.

The selection instructor says to them: "Well done guys, you've passed the course to this date, now is the final assessment".

He calls the Englishmen into a room and says: "Being an SAS trooper is more than being physically fit. Mental strength is equally as important. Next door we have your wife tied to a chair. Here is a loaded 9mm Glock17 pistol. We want you to go next door and shoot your wife in the head to prove allegiance to the SAS. Do it...and you've passed selection and will become a fully fledged SAS trooper".

The Englishman looks back in astonishment, takes the gun and goes next door. 1 minute later he walks back into the instructors office and says "I can't do it. I love my wife"

The instructor says "you're weak, you're binned, now get back to your Regiment".

Next in is the Scotsman. The same thing happens, he's told to shoot his wife to show his mental strength and prove he wants to be an SAS trooper.

One minute later, the Scotsman comes back and says "I can't do it" He is binned and returns back to his Regiment.

Finally, the Irishman comes into the instructors office. He's told the same thing as the others.

He takes the gun and goes next door.

One minute passes and the instructor hears screaming, banging and noises as if all hell has broke loose next door.

The Irishman walks into the instructors office, covered in blood from head to toe.

"What the fuck was going on next door?" says the instructor.

"It was full of blanks so I had to beat her to death with the butt of the gun" says the Irishman!
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blueboy
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Feb 13, 2012 11:21 am

An irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses. He said no, but he once told a donkey to fuck off!
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Scientists have revealed that spunk helps hair grow, that explains why most men have hairy knuckles, but it has me wondering about my nan's moustache!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by leopold on Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:47 pm

For Valentine's day, I've bought my missus a new bag and belt. That'll get the hoover working nicely!

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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all off on holiday, staying in this posh villa in Spain that they found on the Internet. They get there and find it's even better than the pictures - fantastic property, great views, glorious sunshine. But they found the pool was completely empty.

A bit narked by this, they contacted the owner. He said to them, "Ah, it's a magic pool. You climb to the top of the slide, and as you slide down you shout out what you want to land in."

The Englishman decides to give it a crack. He goes down the slide, shouts "Lager!" and hopes for the best. Then he hits the pool with a splash and it's full of lager. He swims around a bit, has a few good drinks and pulls himself out, completely pissed.

The Scotsman decides he can do better than that. As he slides down, he shouts, "18 year old Scottish single malt!" and splash, lands in a very fine Scotch. After half an hour, he's so pissed the other two have to drag him out.

Then the Irishman decides to have a go. As he steps onto the slide, he slips and shouts, "Shit!"
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leopold
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Thu Feb 16, 2012 9:22 am

Luis Suarez says he didn't refuse to shake Patrice Evers hand, as he was expecting to get a high five of him.

----------------------------------------

Paddy and Murphy swap sandwiches at work, Paddy spits his out and says "What the bleedin hell was on dat der Murphy?" "Crab paste" repiles Murphy. "Where did ya get dat?" retots Paddy "It was on offer when i was in der Chemist yesterday" says Murphy.

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I fuckin hate double standards!

My Mrs gets a rampant rabbit and it's seen as "a bit of naughty fun". But when i ordered my 240volt fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy with elasticated anus and immitation shit dribble with breast nipple discharge and semen collection tray with built in realistic rape cry sound system, I'm known as some kind of sick perv.

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What's the difference between a coffin and a fanny?..........You cum in one and go in the other, but you've got to be stiff to get in them both.

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I was telling a bird in the pub last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said "go on then...try". After a good 30 seconds of fondling her very impressive clevage she began to lose patience, "come on then" she spouted, "when was i born?" "Yesterday", i replied.
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Fri Feb 24, 2012 9:57 am

It has just been revealed Manutd striker Danny Wellbecks grandad, Stan, was a bomb disposal expert in the 2nd world war.
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I went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread last night, the birds were all over me.
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Frank Carson died after choking on unspecified food. Coronary reports suggest its a cracker!
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Fri Feb 24, 2012 10:35 am

**Breaking News** Ally McCoist has just resigned as manager of Rangers FC, after accepting a job at Sky. He's expected to double his wages and is quoted as saying "he can't wait to fit his first dish".

------------------------------------------------

The taxman who's taken over at Rangers FC has decided to rename to stadium "Inland Revenue Arena" or IRA for short......although this is only provisional at the moment.

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Harry Redknapp has been asked if he became England manager, who he be able to handle the Euros. "Only if they were unmarked 50s and 20s he would" he replied.

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shakencity

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Location : Bury

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Feb 27, 2012 11:46 am

There was a boy playing in the field at the farm when his mum called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow a pig and a chicken. He sat down at the table and see's a dry bowl of cereal. "what's the deal?" he asks. His mum says "You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Just then his dad walks in to the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat, the boy says "do you want to tell him or should I?"
---------------------------------
My wife came home to find me watching football again and she went mad, "right thats it" she said "I'm leaving you, all you do is watch football, talk about football, think about football, and nothing else" "I have met another man, he is younger, smarter, more handsome, more tender and he has a 12 inch cock." "Right" i said "who does he support?"
---------------------------------
I made a romantic meal for my wife and called out "honey, dinner is ready" I could hear the moans of sexual pleasure as she replied "Mmmmm, just coming baby" and she let out a giggle. I walked into the front room to find her lying naked on the sofa seductively stroking her pussy. "Why dont you make me come" she purred. So i punched her in the face and screamed "FUCKING DINNER.........NOW"
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Mar 05, 2012 11:44 am

a blind fella called dave is in the pub and he says "bring me any football and i'll tell you where its from" A lad takes a ball over and shakes it next to his ear, "Newcastle" he says "I can here the magpies" the lad is shocked but applauds him. Another man walks over and does the same "Norwich" he says "I can here the Canaries". Another lad passes him a ball and Dave shakes it against his ear "Wolverhampton" he says. "how did you know that?" he asks "Did you hear the Wolves roar?" Dave says"No. Its going down"
-------------------------------------------------------
3 million out of work and still no-one wants the Wolves job. They are now looking at the chinese national coach, Yow Wo Win.
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:19 pm

Bobby Charlton was a guset of Roberto Mancinis last week at the Ethiad Stadium. In the hospitality lounge after the game, Mancini asked Charlton "how do you think the current City team would fare against Utds team of 68?" Charlton replied, "to be honest Roberto, i think it'll be very close, probably a draw". As Mancini walked away feeling pretty pleased with his assembled team, Charlton shouts across the room "mind you, we haven't trained in 40yrs"

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Man comes home from work to find his best mate shagging his wife, so stabs him to death......His Mrs says, "fuckin hell, carry on like that and you'll have no mates left".

----------------------------------------------------

I've just applied for planning permission to build a house. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide, have 9 turrets, windows throughout, a loud outside entertainment system and a carpark for 200 cars. I also fancied painting it snotty green with a pink and tacky gold trim. The planning department told me to fuck off as it was inappropriate and would down grade the rest of the area. I re-applied and sent my application back this time calling it a Mosque. Work starts Monday.

---------------------------------------------------

Just to spice things up with the Mrs, i suggested a bit of roll-play with her. To my suprise she agreed and said "what do you have in mind then big boy?". "Right" i said, "you dress up as Whitney Houston and i'll run you a bath".

----------------------------------------------

I went to Switzerland to committ supervised suicide. I arrived at the clinic just in time for breakfast, piss taking bastards were only serving Cheerios.

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My Doctors just told me i'm a compulsive liar and need specialised help.........then she sucked me off in her office.
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shakencity

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Location : Bury

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Mar 19, 2012 9:18 am

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip?

We used to be tight till we let some dick get between us!
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I woke up last week to find a West indian shoved through my letterbox.....the next day it was a Nigerian...followed the day after by a Jamaican. I think someone is blackmailing me!!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by leopold on Mon Apr 02, 2012 2:44 pm

I was at the local swimming bath this morning when I decided to have a sly piss in the pool. Unfortunately the life guard clocked on and blew his whistle. Fucking prick startled me and I fell right in!
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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Sun Apr 08, 2012 12:24 pm

A baby shark swimming up the coast asks his dad "why do we circle people in the water with our fins showing before we eat them, why dont we just attack?" The wise old shark says "They taste better without the shit inside them!"
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Ive just competed in the UK blindfolded masturbation championships. Fuck knows where I came!!
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Observation of the day : Life is like a Penis...................Simple, Relaxed and hanging free. Its the women that make it hard!!
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My mate has been panic buying Diesel. So far he has 8 shirts, 3 pair of jeans and 5 bottles of aftershave
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by AMillionDifferentPeople on Mon Apr 09, 2012 1:18 pm

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles earlier today. Going for a shit could spell trouble.
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I was in the Gym this morning when i noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to fit my finger in. Anyway, she has now made a formal complaint and i'm barred for life.
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AMillionDifferentPeople

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Mon May 14, 2012 12:09 pm

Q. What's Slur Alexs favourite DVD?

A. Gone in 60 seconds.Rolling Eyes
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Fri May 18, 2012 9:47 am

How do you get the cork back in a Champagne bottle?

I dunno, just ask any Utd fan.

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What's the difference a cow and a tragedy in Liverpool?

They can't milk a cow.

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Little boy says to his mum, "I couldn't sleep last night so i came into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on Daddy"? His mum was so shocked that her son had seen his parents having sex quickly replied "well dear, i was just pushing the air out of him". The boy said "Oh, well you're wasting your time then, as the lady next door blows him back up every day".

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Wife texts husband one cold winters morning, "Windows frozen". Husband texts back "Pour some lukewarm water over it". Wife texts back, "computer completely fucked now".

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I've just fostered a muslim.......all 4 cans hit the twat on the back of the head.

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My wife's just called the house phone, "I've broken down on the M60 just before junction 17 near Whitefield". "Just hold on" i replied "I'll be with you in 10 minutes". After finishing my wank, i took the receiver off the table and said "Right, you've done what?"

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Ordered a Chinese last night, the chink turned up with my order and said "£20 prease". I smiled and said "Question for you grasshopper, what's the name of Jordans blind son?". "Harvey Pwice" he replied. "Cheers Ting Tong" i said "Here's your tenner, now fuck off".

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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by Plays By Sense Of Smell on Thu Nov 08, 2012 7:55 pm

After their recent buyout of the Star Wars franchise Disneyland have launched a new themed menu which includes the Wookie Burger.

Tried one, thought it was a bit Chewy.
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Plays By Sense Of Smell

Posts : 232
Location : On holiday darn sarf

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by Plays By Sense Of Smell on Mon Nov 12, 2012 10:39 pm

Suppose I'd better get them in while I still can...

Phoned the Ramblers association the other day. Spoke to this bloke who just went on and on and on...

Had a fight with Batman, he hit me over the head with a vase and went T'PAU! I said, "Don't you mean 'KA-POW'?" He said, "No, I've got China in my hand."

Apparently Chris Eubank has launched a crusade against the evils of cornflour. He thinks it's thickening.
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Plays By Sense Of Smell

Posts : 232
Location : On holiday darn sarf

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Re: Football Jokes

Post by shakencity on Wed Nov 21, 2012 10:13 am

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever" i said. "Sorry" replied the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that wish". "Fine" i said, "i want to die when Liverpool win the Premier League then"........"Oooooohh, you craft cunt" said the fairy.

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The Mrs and I were in bed this morning when she said "I think the romance in this relationship is dead". I really wish she wouldn't talk to me while i'm having a wank.

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I asked the Mrs for a blow job for my birthday, but she just put £20 in my card......surely she knows the going rate is 30.

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Told the Mrs "I've got a new job that requires me to have sex live on stage". "Are you having me on" she replied. "I'll ask" i said, "but so far they've all been thin and pretty".

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I got thrown out of the chemist today. I only ask the girl behind the counter, "Do you take it up the arse or do you swallow". She went absolutely mental, so i still don't know what to do with these suppositories.

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Recession beater: Wife says "if you cycle to work, we could get rid of the 2nd car". Husband replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum over you tits, we can get rid of the nanny".
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shakencity

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Re: Football Jokes

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