Football Jokes

First topic message reminder :

Come on fellas, let's hear your football related jokes to cheer us all up. Most of the ones i tend to receive are City related piss takes (from Rags mates), so i'll throw a few out to get things going.

Q. What's the difference between Man City, Liverpool and Ice Road Truckers?

A. Ice Road Truckers is still on Channel 5 on Thurday nights.
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Carlos Tevez has been told to sit on the front seat of the coach for the semi-final trip to Wembley. He's the only player that knows the way.
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A Liverpool fan & a Man Utd fan were driving & crash head on. Neither are seriously hurt but both cars are written off. In celebration of their luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on. So the Man Utd fan goes to the boot of his car & fetches a 12yr old bottle of Whisky and hands it to the Liverpool fan. "May all Scousers & Mancs live together in peace & harmony" says the Liverpool fan & gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to the Man Utd fan who replies " No thanks, i'll just wait til the police get here you Scouse cunt".

After having had a few golf lessons, a woman embarked on her 1st round. On the fairway she was stung by a bee and had to return to the clubhouse for help.
"Why are you back so early?" ask her golf teacher.
She told him of the bee incident that had just taken place.
"Where exactly did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the 1st and 2nd holes", she replied.
He shook he head and said "your feet were obviously too far apart then".

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My Mrs brought home a tub of Ice Cream and asked if i wanted some.
"How hard is it?" i asked.
She cheekily replied "As hard as your cock, when you think of me naked".
She seemed to get upset when i said, "Go on then, pour me a glass".

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My daughter got sent home from school today for swearing.
"What did you say?" i asked her.
"The 'C' word", she said sheepishly.
I looked at her very disappointedly and said "it's not clever is it".
"No dad" she siad, "it was 'cunt' ".

Birmingham City's first 2 fixtures in the Europa League are : Rapid Decline and Inter Administration.

Police have reported the Premier League referees headquarters have been broken into. All that was stolen was a wallet, two watches and Man Utd's results for the 2011/12 season.

*NEWS FLASH*
Manchester City FC have just issued an apology to all airline passengers unable to travel due to the dust cloud. In a statement they said "Sorry but we had to open the trophy room sooner or later".

I wish to place on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits you can tell anybody you fucking like.!!!

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A guy out for a drink with his mates sees a pretty girl and tries to charm her by saying " I was gonna tell you a joke about my dick but its too long" To which she replies "Thats funny, I was gonna tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it.!

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A woman in labour is screaming in pain 'get this thing out of me' 'give me the drugs' she turns to her boyfriend and shouts 'you did this to me you fucker'. He casually replies 'if i remember rightly, i wanted to stick it up your arse but you said THAT would be too painfull'

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I recently joined one of those online dating websites. I was asked to dscribe my ideal woman, so i put 'i love those page 3 girls, they are so sexy'. I wondered why i did'nt get any replies, then I remembered my 'P' button was broken.

Ryan Giggs has admitted that he suffers from homesickness, even though he is happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.

British Airways have grounded all flights out of Manchester for the next 24hrs due to the impending ash cloud. Nothing to do with the Icelandic volcano, just Ryan Giggs' reputation going up in smoke.

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A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold. His work collegues have kicked fuck out of him.

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Man Utd have just announced 3 new joint shirt sponsors for next season.........an oil company, a British fashion house and an international courrier company. The shirts will read TOTAL FCUK UPS.

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, the locals started shouting Pedo and other nasty names at me just because i'm 52 and my girlfriend's 21. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

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"And what will the lovely lady be having?" said the waiter whilst my wife went to the toilet.
"Probably a piss", i replied.

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust




Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got Alzheimer's
Cheese on toast

Ryan Giggs' wife Stacey has decided to leave the love rat and take half of everything from him. She now has 6 more Premier League winners medals than Steven Gerrard.

A woman goes to the doctor complaining about a lump in her breast.

After examining her, the doctor says 'don't worry Mrs Smith, it's just your kneecap'

I'm just downloading a porn film of Imogen Thomas. It could take a while though, its 11 Giggs.

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I had an arguement with my girlfriend last night just before we were going to bed. She called childish and said i have to sleep on the couch. But the jokes on her because I built a fort out of the cushions and put up a 'no girls allowed' sign.

My mate said he was shagging some twins, so i asked him how he told them apart, "easy" he said "Julie's got blonde hair and Dereks got a cock".

My mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers while having a wank, its going to make things awkward at her funeral tomorrow.

Team news for Rags v Barca.

1 Cunt
2 Cunt
3 Cunt
4 Cunt
5 Cunt
6 Cunt
7 Cunt
8 Cunt
9 Cunt
10 Cunt
11 Randy Cunt

Gary Neville is the latest to be caught up in the superinjunction saga but the prostitute involved is desperate to keep her identity anonymous as she would never live down the shame

Paddy's walking down the road struggling with a wardrobe.
A pal says "Paddy, why don't you get Murphy to help you?"
Paddy replies "he is, he's on the inside carrying the clothes!".

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The BNP have announced plans to take over all UK call centres. The new message will sound a bit like this........."Good morning, you're through to the United Kingdom. Press 1, if you speak English or 2 to be disconnected until you fuckin learn it".

What do Imogen Thomas and Fernando Torres have in common?

Not too long ago they were both fucking good footballers.

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A bloke from Yorkshire wakes up with a sore rectum. He goes up to the shop to and asks the shop keeper "Nah then, does tha sell arse cream" The shopkeeper replies "Aye lad, we do, does tha want Magnum or Cornetto?"

Cliff Richard was in China recently when a fan came up to him shouting "Criff, Criff, me your biggest fan. I ruv all your song, my fayvrat is Itchy sore fanny!". Looking exterely shocked and embarrassed Cliff says, "you must be mistaken, i've never sang such a song". "Yes yor hav Criff, it go "Itchy sore fanny, how we don't tork anymor"".
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By far the best engine is the world is the Fanny. Here's why:
It can pull anything it wants.
It starts with only 1 finger.
It can accomodate any size of piston.
It can self lubricate.
Every 4wks it even does its own oil change.

Just a pity the management system's so tempramental.
(off a woman if you didn't guess)
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"Doctor, please kiss me", says the patient.
"No", replies the Doc "you are a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics".
"Please, just 1 kiss, that's all i ask", the patient pleads.
"Sorry", he says "it's totally out of the question, in all honesty, you shouldn't even be sucking my cock".

The wife suggested that i get one of those penis enlargers, so i did.

Shes 21 and her name is Lucy.

I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and i told her she reminded me of my little toe. "Why" she said " Is that because i'm small and cute". "No" i said "I'l probably end up banging you on the coffee table later".

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The hair from rooneys hair transplant was taken from Coleens minge, apparently it takes better if it goes from one cunt to another.

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My wife asked me if she pleased me in bed? "yes, i love that trick you do with your mouth" i told her. "what trick?" she asked. "The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep".

Me and the wife were in bed last night when a burglar came in. He drew a circle on the floor and said "dont you dare leave this circle, i'll kill your wife if you do." He punched my wife and fucked her on the floor, on the bed and against the wardrobe. He took all our money, phones, laptop etc and left. My wife went mental when she saw me grinning "What the fuck are you smiling about?" she yelled. "When he was fucking you on the bed i stepped out of the cicle twice!!"

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Ive been on the phone for hours trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show....

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A dad buys a lie detector robot wich slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son where were you today?" the son says "at school dad" The robot slaps the son. "OK I watched a DVD at a mates." "What DVD?" says the dad "Toy Story" he replies, the robot slaps him again. "OK it was porn". "WHAT" says the dad "when i was your age i did'nt know what porn was" The robot slaps the dad. The Mum laughs and says "He's certainly your son" The robot slaps Her.

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Paddy was cleaning his rifle when it went off, shooting and killing his wife, he dialled 999. he tells the operator "Its my wife I accidentally shot her, I've killed her". the operator says "Calm down sir, Can you first make sure that she id dead". she hears a CLICK, and then BANG! "OK thats done" says Paddy "what next"

The wife came out of the shower earlier starkers and said "babe shut the curtains, i don't want the neighbours seeing me naked".
"Don't worry" i replied, "if they see you naked, they'll shut their own fukin curtains"

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A team of Irish commandos has been sent to "take Gaddafi out". He's been to the cinema twice and going bowling tomorrow.

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Paddy was shagging a girl when she asked him, "Does it not bother you that i'm only 13?"
"No, i've never been superstitious", he replied.

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2 naked lesbians broke into my house last night and started raping my wife. I tried my best to stop them but all i could do was knock one out.

Just arrived home to find a beautiful woman grouting my bathroom, whilst singing "It's a heartache, nothin' but a fools game". I thought to myself, she's a Bonnie Tiler.

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Jordan has told her new boyfriend, she wants an all white wedding.
"Great" he said, "coz that little fat cunt harvey gives me the creeps".

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I was teaching a group of muslim students how to line dance yesterday.They seemed to be doing ok......until the train hit them!

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In the post office yesterday, i asked the girl behind the counter "Do you keep stationary?". "Only to begin with" she replied "then i go like a fuckin rabbit".

Spent an hour at the wifes grave this morning........ Bless her, she thinks i'm diggin a pond.

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Little Billy's watching TV. He comes downstairsand asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells his son all about sex and why a womans vagina gets wet. Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement. "So what were you watching, to ask this son?" asks his Dad. "Wimbledon" he replies.

Wife with PMT SHOUTS "OI, DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT?" "What are the choices?." asks the husband. Wife yells "YES OR FUCKING NO"

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A husband gets 'I Love You' tatooed on his cock and goes home to show his wife. She says "There you go again you bastard.....trying to put words into my mouth"

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A couple run out of money and they decide the wife should go on the game. Hubby says "you go and stand on the corner, i'll wait up the road." A car pulls up and the wife gets in, bloke says "how much?" wife says "£100" the bloke says "I only have £20" "wait here"says the wife and runs to her hubbys car "he's only goy £20" she tells him "just wank him off" he says. she tells the bloke when she gets back to the car and he says thats fine, he lays back and she pulls out the biggest cock she has ever seen "hold on" she says and runs back to her hubby and says "have you got £80 you can lend him?"

Q. What do clouds and women have in common?
A. Occasionally they fuck off & it turns into a really nice day.

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Earlier i couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so i asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she'd gone shopping.

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I was having a piss in a urinal next to a midget the other day, when i noticed him winking at me. At 1st i left it, but then i noticed it again and again, so i turned my back slightly and continued. When i looked back round the little bastard was still winking at me, so i'd had enough and said "excuse me mate, what's the problem, do you fancy me or something?" To which he replied, "No, you're splashing my eye".

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.









But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I have been in here before?'


Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

I just asked a Welsh mate of mine how many sexual partners he has had, Bizzarely he started counting then fell asleep.

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I put a large load in the dishwasher last night. As usual she spat it out.

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A bloke playing golf with his mates was lining up his putt on the 9th hole when a funeral procession goes down the road next to the green. Without warning he stops hit shot, turns round and salute's the hearse. after it had disapeared he calmly stroked in the putt and walked to the next tee. One of the other players turned round and told him how moved he was by his actions, 'it was nothing' he told him 'After all I was married to her for over 20 years'

Emile Heskey turns up at the CoMS with a rucksack. The security guard's a bit worried and asks "What have you got in there Emile"? He says "some drugs, counterfeit money and a shotgun". The security guard replies "thank fuck for that, for a minute there i thought you'd brought your boots".

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Fella texts his wife from the pub and says "Honey i just having 1 more pint, then i'll be on my way home. If i'm not home in 20 minutes then just read this text again".

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I was out walking my dog earlier when an old granny shouted, "Make sure you pick that shit up". "Calm down love", i replied "let me wipe my arse 1st".

http://www.sickipedia.org/

Think you might like this site Shaken!

WARNING - DO NOT CLICK THE LINK IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

Cheers emjay.

Police raided Kermits lily pad last night and found hundreds of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn they'd ever seen.

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My wife asked, "why do you prefer anal to blowjobs"?
'That's easy' i replied 'i just chose the hole with less shit coming out of it'.

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I asked my mate, when's it ok to have sex with girls? He said it's legal once they'd left school. Apparently 3.30pm wasn't what he meant.....

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My beautiful new Polish wife's still struggling to master the English language, the other night she said to me: "Me be going out with friends this night.
Smiling, i had to correct her, "No you're fucking not".

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, " I love you." She said " is that you or the beer talking"? I replied "It's me talking to the beer"
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police have told me to prepare
for the worst.

So I've been back to the charity shop to try and get all her clothes
returned.

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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""Sod that" says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.
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Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said "your the biggest i've ever had"

Apparently, "Ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Went down to my allotment last weekend to find someone had dumped 2" of soil all over it. Went there again yesterday and the same thing had happened again. The plot thickens.......

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Old Patrick died and wanted to be buried at sea. So his mates Paddy and Murphy got a rowing boat, put the coffin in and and rowed about a mile out to sea. Paddy said "I wonder if this is far enough out"? Murphy jumped over the side and disappeared, after 30 seconds he came back up and replied "Yes, this is deep enough, pass me the shovel".

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I thought the wife would be an ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out i got it all wrong, the programme's called Fact Hunt.

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Murphy said to Paddy "What the fuck are you doing talking into an envelope?" "I'm sending a voicemail you thick bastard" he replied.

I had a phone call from the police last night, they said "your house has been broken into, they drank all your beer and raped ypur wife".....I cant believe they had sex with her after only 4 beers!!

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A hippy on a bus sees a nun and asks if she wants to have sex, the nun tells him she's married to god and gets off the bus. The bus driver tells the hippy if he wants to have sex with her to go to the graveyard at midnight, just dress up as god and she'll do it. The next night the hippy dresses up as god and waits for the nun, when she turns up he says "I'm god and i want sex" the nun says "ok, but you'll have to do me up the arse as i want to keep my virginity" He gives her a good seeing to, and when he's finished he pulls of his wig and shouts "Ahaa, i'm the hippy off the bus" the nun whips off her habit and shouts "Ahaa, i'm the busdriver".

A scouser goes on dragons den and shows them an old shotgun and gamekeepers pouch. Peter Jones says "and whats your idea" The scouser replies "Its a simple concept, just put the money in the fucking bag".

My wife said to me this morning "you're the laziest bastard i've ever known, pack your bags and fuck off". I said, "i will, as soon as you pack um".

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I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to fit my fingers in. She's now made a formal complaint and my gym membership's been cancelled.

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Woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, the manager asks " would you like a screw for the mirror?". The woman replies, "no, but i'll suck your cock for a lawnmower".

Sorry i hav'nt put any jokes on for a few days, I've been in France doing a strawberry crushing contest, I came 2nd! a woman with no legs beat me the Jammy Twat!!!

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So the Beckhams have named there daughter Harper Seven. Last time i heard that was when a bloke with a hair lip told me the time.

I made my girlfriends wishes come true and we got married in a castle. Although you would'nt have thought it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

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Women should be like golf caddies.......... Either holding your balls or getting your fucking tea ready!

BBC News: Rioters throw petrol bomb in Northern Ireland.

Christ, they must be loaded! That's like throwing potatoes during the famine.

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Watching the Women's World Cup reminded me of when I was first learning the controls to FIFA.

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. The manager asks him "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes" Paddy says. "Well" the manager asks "can you tell me what Nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I'm hoping it's double time".

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Local police hunting the "Knitting needle killer" who's stabbed 6 people in the arse over the past 48hrs, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Your on a horse, galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind a lion is chasing you. What must you do to get safely out of this highly dangerous situation??

Get off the Merry-go-round and act your fucking age.

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an 80yr old man tells his doctor his new 20yr old wife is pregnant, "is'nt that amazing, what do you think?" he asks the doc. "let me tell you a story" the doctor says. "A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of his gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella and BANG, the lion drops dead. The old man says "thats impossible, someone else must have fired the shot". "EXACTLY" says the doctor.

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An english family are driving through Dublin lost. They stop Paddy and ask him which is the quickest way to the city centre? "Are you walking or driving" Paddy asks them. "Driving" he replies. "Yeah, thats the quickest way" says Paddy.

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the beckhams baby girl Harper Seven was evidently named after Posh's favourite magazine and davids favourite number. I've never heard anything so ridiculous, as i told my youngest, Razzle 69, over breakfast.

I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning. The girl serving was an absolute stunner and told me she could make it large for 30p. I told her she already had but could she finish me off for a quid!!

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The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. They asked "is this your wife sir?" Shocked i answered "Yes". They said "It looks like she has been hit by a bus". "I know" i said "But she has a lovely personality and she's good with the dog".

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I suggested to the wife we try anal sex, she said "fuck that shit"......."thats the spirit" i said.

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I thought i heard my next door neighbours shagging last night, there was lots of moaning and banging on the wall. It turns out the elderly mother in law had fallen and was banging the wall with her walking stick too try and get my attention. I feel really guilty about that wank now!

I went to the pub last night with a few of the lads, and I got wrecked. When I woke this morning I was sleeping with the ugliest women I've ever seen.

Thank god I managed to find my way home.

A woman was playing golf and hit the ball straight at a bloke playing in the group in front, he fell like a sack of spuds both hands clutching his grion. She ran up to him and appologised and said I'm a nurse let me see if I can help. So she pulled his fly down and started massaging his balls and cock, after a few minutes she said how is it now, great he said but my thumb is still broken.

Dear Deidre,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

Regards
Concerned Golfer

Alex Higgins and George Best are well happy! they just found out heaven's getting a Winehouse!



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My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so i decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face, my missus went mental when she picked him up to breast feed him.

Q. What have Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson got in common?



A. The both had a 10yr old crack addiction.



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Norweigan terrorist Anders Breivik is believed to have carried out the attacks in protest of the spiraling cost of food in Norway. He should have gone to Iceland.



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Q. What have Amy Winehouse and Bernard Matthews got in common?



A. No cold Turkey this Christmas.

Hahaha...Funny hilarious jokes!!!

Does anyone know if Rileys is showing arsenal game on their fanzone megascreens today?

Here's a good one. Jason Blackburn is a cock & is going to be banned from this site

that is a good one.