Ashley Young......what a C**T

I don’t think I’ve heard a better description of football player than Real Sociedad manager Jogoba Arrasate observing that Ashley Young “kind of folds”.

It may have been a specific reference to Young's ridiculous capitulation to Markel Bergera’s slightest tug, but Arrasate managed to distill the essence of the player into three simple words.

He "kind of folds"

It is what he does. Like a badly-hinged and defective deckchair from IKEA.

The folding has started to grate. Badly. There’s a commonly-held assumption that most football supporters will admonish and bemoan a player’s crimes and misdemeanours just as long as he’s wearing the opposition strip.

As soon as he does the very same for their own team, it’s a-okay. Morals suddenly bend and outrage softens. It’s part of the game innit.

That’s not the case with Ashley Young.

Fans are as sick and tired of his antics as anyone – more so in fact. After all, were his pantomime collapses performed for another club he could at least be dismissed as a mildly amusing sideshow; a comical joke.

Sadly for United fans he’s doing it with a red shirt on his back. And it’s toe-curlingly, fist-bitingly, soul-achingly awful to witness.


That’s not to say United supporters are shining beacons of virtue. If we’re honest, there’s something delicious about securing a victory undeserved and enjoying rival fans spit feathers at the unfairness of it all. It’s doubles the joy.

It’s also fair to say that Rooney, Nani, Ronaldo and others have ‘gone down easily’ in the past with little complaint.

But Ashley Young is the special case; he’s definitely a shining beacon, but of something unmentionable. He takes what is essentially wrong but widely accepted, and makes it obscene.


Both the brass-necked regularity of his falls and the cowardice with which he executes them make takes it beyond the pale. Whereas other cheats use natural momentum to affect their tumble, Young flails to the floor like a dying rat.

It’s humiliating and increasingly tedious to watch. The only player who can match Young in terms of cringeworthiness is Steven Taylor. But at least the Newcastle defender has a level of self-awareness and humour to his badly acted descents.


Young falls to the feet of the opposition like a pathetic and defeated boxer; curled in a ball to avoid further punishment. He’s spineless both in construction and behaviour.

That he has the structural integrity of a double-dipped digestive isn't the only issue. This allied to the fact he’s not actually very good only serves to compound the deceit.

When he’s not on the floor he’s just in the way of more talented players such as the ethereal Kagawa or the second-coming Januzaj. I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate or even dislike Ashley Young. I just resent the fact he exists. As a United player at least.


Of course he’s not completely useless. If Ballon d'Ors were awarded for running towards a fullback, checking back and expertly curling a cross five yards wide of the far post, Young would be cradling more golden balls than [REDACTED].


He may crumble under pressure like the world’s crappest POW and have all the robustness of Russell Brand political ideology, but he’s okayish at what he does. I just wish he did it elsewhere.


There have been famous flops (pun intended) at United before, the likes of Forlan, Djemba-Djemba and Bebe spring to mind – but they were never really disliked.


If anything they became cult figures and enjoyed a level of sympathetic affection.

But Young is a shameless fraud lacking any redeeming features, and that gnaws. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to support someone who does such a bad job of supporting themselves.