Tevez is dead!

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/10/04/article-2045054-0E37866600000578-613_468x312.jpg

A) Apparently he committed suicide after having a moment of clarity, and realising how much of a tunc he has been. Tevez chose to hang himself whilst on fire, instead of using the claw hammer Mancini had issued him with several days earlier.

B) A different theory is that it was an insurance scam - Kia has his meal ticket insured through the roof, and he forced Tevez into pulling the stunt after he found out Tevez was set to be banned from world football and would never provide Kia with a signing on fee again. Kia has now turned his attentions to this child, with whom he will mould for evil:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkEHzblc8-A

C) Another theory is that the mob who turned up to Rooney's house last winter, crawled back out of their holes and lynched Tevez, pretending to be City fans in order to give us bad press.

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01149/SNE2201P-682_1149111a.jpg

D) A final theory is that it is actually just a dummy, and that Tevez is genuinely alive.

What do you believe?!

(I'm digging the multiple choice questions today)